Gladiator two was good but why were there sharks?
Heads up this is 100% full of spoilers.
Betrayal, colosseums, the promise of a free Rome, and unresolved childhood traumas. Gladiator 2 has it all. But does it have too much?
Gladiator was one of my favourite films as a child - Maximus Decimus Meridius father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife - to give him his full name - was my first true love, alongside Robbie Williams. He was noble, brave and aggressively loyal to his country. He also had very nice arms. A comprehensive list of green flags if I ever did see one.
There was a slow burning intensity to the original film, lots of long pensive shots of wheat fields and Russel’s face, underscored by the sounds of Enya that made sure the audience (me) would fall deeply under the spell of Rome’s greatest general. Yes there were lots of swords and brutality, but it always retained a level of class, to the extent that armed combat ever can.
So I was ready to love Paul Mescal’s sequel.
In many ways I did. He’s great as Hanno / Lucius; very brooding, very troubled, and steadfastly dedicated to avenging his wife.1 The film itself is an epic, a real edge-of-your-seat “spectacle” and I was hooked by Ridley Scott’s Rome. I’m no film reviewer so these generic comments are as much as I can muster when it comes to talking about the good stuff.
Instead I’ll talk about what was bad. Bad isn’t even the right word, it’s more there were things that were a bit off about the film.2
Things that were bad and/or a bit off:
One thing:
Yes, Pedro Pascal is godly as General Acasius. However I couldn’t buy his “I’m just a regular guy who wants to be at home with my wife and kids rather than plunder and pillage these countries for my Emperors.” His wife is of course none other than Lucilla Aurelius aka everyone’s favourite stoic’s daughter.
The opening battle scene concludes with Pedro displaying his weariness at the destruction of war as he announces Roman victory over Numidia with a mournful “Vae Victis”. His wish to tap out of doing war is confirmed when he asks the Emperors if, instead of popping off to conquer Persia, he could have more time with his family. To paraphrase, they say “no”.
Yet despite Acacius’ reservations, he was doing such a good job that he was lauded as one of the greatest generals of Rome.3 For a nice bloke who claims to want the slow life, he certainly seemed to love his job when he was throwing flaming pots over city walls and stabbing people.
If you’re really not into conquering countries, why don't you just be a little less good at conquering? Lose a battle or two. Let yourself get ambushed. Open your gates to a big, innocuous wooden horse.4 They’ll quickly put someone else into the role.
Another thing:
The film people went to a lot of pains to show that the only thing keeping Paul / Hanno / Lucius alive and motivated to win his fights was his desperation to murder the man who ordered his lovely warrior wife to be killed: General Pedro / Acacius.
They - the film people - also made a big deal about the extent of Paul’s abandonment wound when they sent his mother Lucilla Aurelius to visit him in his cell and he refused her offer to set him free. His trauma was so deep rooted that he’d rather accept imprisonment and bi-weekly gladiator fights than forgive his mum who sent him away from Rome - by himself - on a horse - when he was 12 - with a half hearted promise to come and find him. Which she did not fulfil.
You can understand why he yelled at her to go away when she came barging into his cell trying to bestow a bit of motherly love on him. Too little too late, Lucilla.
So it was a hard one to accept when a few scenes later, Paul refused to kill Pedro in a fight to the death.
Pedro had your wife killed! You loved her! A lot! And he enslaved your friends! And you! Just because he told you he loves your absent mother who sent you away from home when you were very very young, doesn't mean you should have mercy on him.
Paul’s forgiveness didn’t add up.
Cut off his head and hers too while you’re at it.
Then there was the thing with the ring:
Paul / Hanno / Lucius decides he wants to go to war with the Emperors, to realise the dream of a free Rome. He’s currently locked up, but he does have his mum’s ring that says ‘Marcus Aurelius’ on it. He’s also aware that Acacius had an army ready and waiting to go to war that’s at a bit of a loose end now he’s dead. So Paul / Hanno / Lucius gives the ring to his jailer, who’s also sort of his friend, and tells him to go summon Acasius’ army who happen to be chilling out about half a day’s ride from Rome.
I don't want to sound sceptical, but if a random prison guard rode up to me and my army with a green ring and told me that my favourite general, Acacius, is dead but not to worry, there’s this prisoner who’s claiming he’s the son of the queen and an old gladiator - and he wants my army to fight for him - I might not be so quick to get them marching on Rome.
Mainly though, my issue is with the sharks:
The scene starts with Hanno / Lucius / Paul jumping aboard a ship and telling his crew that this is about “survival” and ordering them to “survive” - not the most inspirational pep talk, but at least he’s being honest.
Why are they on a boat? I briefly wondered, before seeing them float out into Rome’s infamous, now flooded, colosseum ready to fight another soldier-filled boat.
I spent a lot of mental energy wondering how they managed to make the arena watertight, before I saw a fin glide through the water and my mental energy was quickly reassigned to wondering where the hell they got the sharks from.
I suppose the man-eating fish are a symbol of the Emperors’ tyrannous mentality - so bored and unhinged that throwing their gladiator victims to regular lions was not entertaining enough5 so they sent their soldiers to not only find multiple Great Whites off the coast of Italy, but also to capture them in shark proof containers, and transport them back to the centre of Rome. This part of the script reeks of Chat GPT’s influence; “my film is 3 hours of colosseum fight scenes - please give me some ideas for how to keep the story fresh and exciting. Thank you!”
“Why don’t you add sharks? Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with!”
The fascinating thing about this scene - as I have just learnt from Wikipedia - is that “naumachia” aka staging historical, naval battles with prisoners of war as the fighters, was a real actual thing that Julius Caesar, amongst others, did. Turns out the battle they showed in the film was nothing compared to real life naumachia; one of which had 19,000 combatants in 100 ships thrashing it out - to the death - on a purpose built lake. Woah.
My simple research exposed my ignorance about The Empire. How did I not know that Romans used to fill amphitheatres with water and have it off? Now that I have fact-checked myself, maybe it’s not so hard to believe that they would have been able to find sharks and carry them back to the colosseum. They did a lot of weird things, these Romans, and if there was one thing they were good at - beyond building straight roads - it was putting on a spectacle. Much like Ridley Scott come to think of it.6
My final critique:
The film did not make me cry. With a story about love, betrayal and familial revenge you’d think tears would be guaranteed. I cried in the first film, so I was excited to cry in the second. I like to cry and I cry very easily. I cried watching the new Volvo car advert earlier today, for example. But in Gladiator 2 not a single tear was shed. No sadness stirred.
The farcical elements of the film created a distance between the audience (me) and the characters. For a 3ish hour film, it’s wildly fast paced - you’re jolted from slave ship to gladiator training yard to underground, secret conversations with the senate. It’s like the first Gladiator was put on fast forward, and sprinkled with Game of Thrones-esque surrealism, Tarantino-level gore, and some weirdly-poor-quality special effects which, when blended together in 140 A.D. Rome, undermined the characters and their stories.
Meaning that although I was absorbed by the film, I wasn’t consumed by it. This time, my heart wasn’t stolen by a gladiator with nice arms. It stayed safe and cold in the cinema in rainy Amsterdam.
Green flag!
It's a good thing I am not a film reviewer because my inability to find the right words would disqualify me from the job anyway.
To note, not the greatest - that was of course our man Russel.
I am aware this is a reference to a Greek myth.
“Are you not entertained?” to quote my man Russ.
I wonder if he’s any good with roads?